I Just...

 I don't wanna be depressed again, or at least not as depressed as before. 

But I'm afraid my writing will suffer if I'm not sad all the time anymore. 

So I choke back sobs like they're Pulitzer Prizes. Nothing more deadly than a "pleasure to have in class" left their own devices. 

I don't wanna be anxious now that I know what it feels like to be calm down.

So I'm staring at the tattoo that was just removed from my palm.

that said "SCARED" that held its counterpart "BEWARE"

That held me until I was neither here nor had the desire to be there. 


BUT I'M THERE NOW. 


In the future I'm healed. 


The scent of orange hits my nose as I watch it be pealed. 


And they hand me not a wedge but the fruit, it's whole. 

So I stand up and reach for freshly cleaned bowl. 

And start separating instinctively. 


What is happiness if not shared? 

What is love if not meal home cooked carefully prepared? 


No nuts for they're allergic. 

No seafood to see I used to tell people I was pescatarian. 

Just so they had an excuse to get rid of me. 

Just like I used to say I'm anxious. 


I'm perfectionist whose output was maxed. 


My motivation fell through the pages of books placed in endless stacks. 


I don't wanna be depressed again. 

So I avoid the people I met before. 


I say it's not personal but I didn't like who I was before anymore. 


At first it was at parties, then when it was on dates.

Then stayed behind on sidewalks just to see if anyone waits. 


5, 4.

I'm counting down until I see how many seconds exactly it takes. 

Until they turn back for me. 

But it's not that they don't. 

It's that I see my shadow go. 

It's sprinting ahead of them. 

But it's not somebody I know. 

It's the finger that pushes a blister. 

The mockery after a test the tired feeling that comes from getting too much rest. 

The thought that keeps spiraling to a thought. 

I should have let go until it makes me too dizzy. 


Who am I? 

I don't even know.. 

But I don't wanna be depressed anymore, or anxious or afraid and if that means I lose my talent. 

Maybe it wasn't a talent that should have stayed. 


I want forgiveness and empathy and grace that I've been dying to show. 

And as the shadow runs away. 

I take it as an opportunity for myself to get to know. 

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