my thoughts, my feelings, my stories

Hi!  If you're seeing this on November 8 2025, this a message for you.  I hope this is what you needed to read.  Here's your message.  Sometimes what breaks you isn't the person who left.  It's the life you imagined with them.  The version of you who loved them so fully.  The plans you made, the dreams you built together.  The future that felt so real.  It almost hurts more to lose it than the person themselves.  You're not just grieving them.  You're grieving the "what could have been."  The version of you that believed in forever.  That's why it takes so much time.  You're not just trying to move on from someone.  You are trying to rebuild the part of yourself that dreamed with them.  And I know it hurts.  I know it feels so unfair that you have to start over when you never wanted to. They made a choice for you.  You didn't make that choice.  And it feels so heart shattering.  But what ...

 Hi!  If you're seeing this on November 4 2025, this a message for you!  I hope this is what you needed to read.  Here's your message...  You've carried so much this year.  The disappointment the uncertainty.  The heartbreak the waiting.   And I know you're tired.  And I know some days it feels like you're just trying to make it through without falling apart. But please, remember what feels heavy now is shaping you into someone softer, stronger and more grounded.  You don't need to rush your healing or pretend you're okay.  Just keep showing up even gently.  The pieces of your life are still rearranging.  Even when you can't see it yet.  And one day it will all make sense.  And you'll realize that this chapter, this hard quiet chapter was the one that taught you how to truly live again.  You're doing better than you think.  I'm proud of you!  Just keep going! 

 I don't wanna be depressed again, or at least not as depressed as before.  But I'm afraid my writing will suffer if I'm not sad all the time anymore.  So I choke back sobs like they're Pulitzer Prizes. Nothing more deadly than a "pleasure to have in class" left their own devices.  I don't wanna be anxious now that I know what it feels like to be calm down. So I'm staring at the tattoo that was just removed from my palm. that said "SCARED" that held its counterpart "BEWARE" That held me until I was neither here nor had the desire to be there.  BUT I'M THERE NOW.  In the future I'm healed.  The scent of orange hits my nose as I watch it be pealed.  And they hand me not a wedge but the fruit, it's whole.  So I stand up and reach for freshly cleaned bowl.  And start separating instinctively.  What is happiness if not shared?  What is love if not meal home cooked carefully prepared?  No nuts for they're allergic.  No sea...

 I always been a fast texter, or maybe it's because I'm always on my phone.  But these days it's been longer responses because I prefer being alone.  Because I can notice little switches when people's typing styles change. They go from sending emojis to suddenly a one exchange,  "OKAY", a thumbs up that's all.  There aren't even words anymore.  No reason to call.  I try to keep the conversation going because I care about people I know. And they were responding pretty fast.  And it's weird that now they're so slow.  But we're also adults now and tired.  And messages are harder to type.  Not because there's nothing left to say.  But because it's all gone.  In one unfair swipe "I Miss You." is lettered in the way my eyes shine. When I see a new picture of you in a shirt that used to be mine.  I only have a few people in my circle, honestly.  I try to keep pretty small.  Friends I know would always pick up that ...

 Well, I wanna share my feeling about what I was going through. In mix language. So, as I wrote before, aku terkena penyakit yang disebut Generalized Dystonia since I was around 8 months old and aku baru mengetahui nama penyakitku ini awal tahun 2020 dan sejak saat itu aku harus meminum obat setiap hari. Sebelum aku mengetahui nama penyakitku, I still hope that I can walk, but after knowing everything. I feel like hopeless. Depression? Yeah! I got depressed when I was a teenager and nobody knows about my depression.  Saking depresinya aku, aku sampai often went to the hospital because sering muntah karena asam lambung aku sering naik, disebabkan oleh depresi yang aku alami. Aku mencoba untuk meditasi setiap hari, I thought it would help me. However, it didn't work.  Even though I got depressed, it doesn't mean I wasn't grateful. I had suicidal thoughts. However, I didn't do that because I'm scared to die.  Empty, fear, disappointed, worthless, useless, and hopeless....

I never talked about my problems to people anymore. I never even cried in front of people anymore. They say if I do then it'll make me feel better. But trust me, I already passed that. It doesn't do anything for me anymore now.  Talking to people is useless for me. As much as I appreciate it, but they're not me. They're not in my shoes. They don't feel what I feel. No matter how hard I try to describe it, they'll never really understand.  I hope my therapist doesn't read this. But what the hell, he already knows I'm dead inside.